“Father God, Take this from me. Take my crappy attitude, my crappy day, my crappy outlook on life and make it good. Take it all. Take the problems and the nonsense and let me focus on what is important. I am done with this crap and I’m laying it at your feet. Don’t let me pick it up again. It’s not mine. It’s yours.”
I say this prayer probably once a week. Usually, it’s either in the car while my kids are screaming or when I’m in the shower crying about something that won’t really matter in the long run anyway.
I have depression and anxiety. Growing up – the way I dealt with it was to always be in control of every situation. As it turns out – that just makes it worse. It gave me a false sense of power and security. And it almost always imploded at the worst possible moments. (Hello, sobbing at my 18th birthday party.)
Now, I know that I am not in control. I know that my plan is not the real plan but God’s plan IS. But friends, I still don’t like giving up control. My natural tendency is to over-analyze every situation for every possible outcome until I have strangled the life right out of it and absorbed the whole entire problem into my being. And did you know that when you absorb a problem, it’s like bird-eating rice? IT GROWS AND YOU’LL EXPLODE! But by golly, I KNOW how it could end (badly) and I have already built my walls of defense up to protect myself from it (and all human contact surrounding it).
Yeah… I mean, I guess you could say I have control issues.
God’s been working on me lately though. And it kind of hurts. for some reason, I can’t just let Him have the win. I keep trying (and failing) to come out on top.
For example – about 2 weeks ago, a person and I had a slight misunderstanding. I had the whole problem solved in my head- there would be a strongly worded email and I would be declared victorious. My sweet husband (rightly) told me that I had taken the problem way out of context and was overreacting. And that I needed to let it all blow over.
Want to know what my brain did? Comprised the entire email in my brain – along with every response that could be sent back to me. So for the past two weeks, God had been telling me to let it go. BUT I COULDN’T! I physically could not let it go. It was eating into every single thought of my day. I had manifested this anxiety that I created myself. All because of my control and overthinking issues.
For the past TWO WEEKS – I couldn’t write, couldn’t create, couldn’t talk about anything without these thoughts slipping in. Like a disease invading my brain – no, my whole body. Finally today – my being – everything that I am – could no longer take it. I imploded. It was a bad, crappy attitude day. I was miserable.
So I finally gave it to God. And guess what – it wasn’t a *Win/Lose* thing. We both won. The flood gates of my mind opened up and my creativity came flowing back to me. Pouring out of me like a flood. But not only that, I can feel the warmth of God. Like He’s saying, “See, I got this. I’ve got YOU. I’m just trying to help YOU. Because I love YOU, child.”
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.Romans 8 : 26-28 NIV
Friend, I know it’s hard to give God control. But it is so worth it. The overwhelming feeling of peace that comes afterward is life-breathing. It no longer feels like I’m drowning and being strangled at the same time. ( Dramatic – I know. But its the only explanation I have. ) I know that I cannot be the only one who deals with this on a weekly basis – so if you’ll let me I’d like to pray for you real quick tonight.
Father God. Be with my friend reading this, right now. Let them know that they do not have to do this without you….. Friend, you are loved. God, I ask you to take these problems from them. And friend, I ask that you let God take them. That you allow him to work in your heart to mend the brokenness that is causing you to hang on for deal life to things that don’t really matter. Father, give my friend the courage to ask for help. Give them the strength to let go permanently. Father, you are our rock. You have created us for better things than suffering and nonsense drama. TAKE THEM FROM ME!, Father God. You are wonderfully and amazing. Thank you for loving us. Amen.
Until next time, Emily B.